Solitary Confinement

I came across an Imaginary Boyfriend List yesterday that had spoken to me intimately. But since all of my boyfriends are imaginary, I thought I’d up the stakes. The difficulty in ranking them was excruciating. Especially slots 1 and 2.

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1. Andy Samberg

Sorry Johnny, but Andy and I were bethrothed on Facebook (and ONLY on Facebook), so I have to put him as my #1.  Best known for the SNL musical hits such as Emmy Award Winning D*** In A Box and Grammy nominated I’m On A Boat.

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2. Johnny Depp

I hate to use a picture twice, but with one so awesome, who can blame me?

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3. Brian Williams

This man is SMOKIN’! Whether he’s wearing a purple tie, a striped tie, or khakis,  my heart rate elevates. Brian also spends the most time with me. We meet almost every night at 6:30.

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4. Conan O’Brien

We started our faux affair way back in 1993 and have been going strong ever since. “In the year 3000,” we’ll reveal our relationship to the public.

Thanks NBC.

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5. Peter Fonda

Yes, he’s older than my mother, but I do not care.

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6. Michael Phelps

My sister has given me slack for liking him because of his ears, but I have only one word for her. Handles. I’ll give him another gold medal.

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7. Henry Miller

The only dead man to make the list. I made myself choose between Miller and Andy Warhol, and because there’s already one Andy on the list, Miller’s #7.

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8. Taylor Lautner

The werewolf from New Moon…pending his 18th birthday on Feb. 11th of course.

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9. Augusten Burroughs

Author of best sellers Running With Scissors, Dry, and You Better Not Cry. Becoming my husband would require him hopping over the fence, but this is my fantasy. And the man has seen Orville Redenbacher’s penis.

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10. Ernie

He’s sweet, orange, fun-spirited, loves rubber duckies, and has an irresistable laugh. We share the same birthday. I also have a thing for stripes.

Others who were highly considered, but did not make the final list: Andy Warhol, Morrissey, Prince Harry, Christian Bale, David Bowie, Seth Meyers, Lord Byron, Dennis Hopper, Jeff Hardy, assorted Chucks, Joe Jonas, Nick Jonas, Naveen Andrews, Robert Pattinson, John Lennon, Lenin, Mrs. Butterworth, Tucker Max, and Napoleon

Filed under: Celebrity Blah - My Torturous Thoughts
by Lonna
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Last week, I finished the latest masterpiece by Augusten Burroughs.

He did not disappoint.

If you’re having a particularly bad time this season, read all 206 pages.

Follow this prescription and you will smile.

Throughout the years, holidays and birthdays have been tough for me. Society forces happiness which stresses me out and only induces the opposite to occur. I expect the worst to happen. But don’t look at me too critically. The Challenger blew up on my 13th birthday and my daughter’s 1st birthday fell on Sept. 11th 2001, so my pessimism isn’t completely unfounded.

From his belief that Santa and Jesus were the same person, to his Kahlua-induced blackouts, Burroughs extracts hilarity and puts it on display for your enjoyment.

And many times, I found myself saying, “Me too. Me too.” How did this man get a hold of my journal?

Disclaimer: His relationship with George did result in copious tear production. Do not read this book if you dislike laughing. Do not read this book if you can’t read.

Filed under: Bbb...books
Tags: « augusten burroughs • you better not cry »
by Lonna
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Upon finding out that Michael Jackson decorated Neverland with mannequins, I had thought, “Mikey’s weird!” But now, after visiting Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York, I totally get it!

I could seriously deal with having three, or four, maybe even five, of these in my home. All in different poses and costumes, of course.

Wax Johnny Depp(s) could keep me company.

How many Benjamins would I have to float to make a few of these mine? Could I possibly create a little Depp house-protecting army all by myself? My background in sculpture could lead me down the road to everlasting delight.

Nightmare On Elm Street Johnny (for sentimental reasons)

21 Jump Street Johnny (A MUST)

Wax Edward Scissorhands (yes, dangerous but also handy)

Waxy Sweeney Todd

…and premature, but absolutely necessary, Wax Barnabas Collins.

But there will be NO Waxy Willy Wonka lounging around my house. Nor a Turtle Waxed bald head from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I do have standards.

My new man won’t have to shave and privacy will not be an issue. The pesky full-time French girlfriend-and-mother-of-his-two-children wouldn’t bother us. Or Winona (or remnants of that tattoo). Kate Moss–conveniently also missing. There would be an absence of arguments. I wouldn’t even have to worry about him trashing my place.

That day at the museum, I kept my public displays of affection to a minimum. I didn’t want Leo to get jealous. DiCaprio was standing right next to us, and had made eyes at me the moment I walked through the door. Poor, pathetic Leo.

While gently caressing dear Johnny’s face, my culinary curiosity nearly overcame me. I pondered his flavor. Would he taste like wax lips, or like one of my favorite snacks, cherry Chapstick. Judging by his texture, I decided that he was probably more like a crayon. Since I don’t particularly enjoy ingesting a box of Crayolas, I found this a little disappointing, yet comforting. His unsavory essence would prevent me from eating him. Therefore, we could be together forever.

Candles will never look the same.

Filed under: Celebrity Blah - My Torturous Thoughts
Tags: « johnny depp • madame tussauds • wax museum »
by Lonna
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In the tradition of Orson Welles, Felleni, and Kubrick, I leave you this…

Star and Director: Amalia (then 6)

~Summer 2007

Pay no attention to the hair.

 

Mali’s Tour from Lonna Cottrell on Vimeo.

Filed under: Familial Fragments
by Lonna
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