The Artist Formerly Known As Lonna Cottrell

This week’s Theme Thursday homework: If you could impress one lesson, ideal, or moral on your children, what would it be?

Just one? I’ve been trying to choke them with twelve hundred thousand Duggarillion. How am I going to pick one?

 I was at an impasse, so I asked my 12 year old daughter. “Mali. If you could impress one lesson, ideal, or moral on your children, what would it be?” Her answer, “Don’t take embarrassing pictures of yourself on your Mom’s phone.” To be posted later…

So, I began writing out the lessons I’m trying to teach them.

Dear Mali, Simon, and Max,

If you’re reading this I’ve either been carted off to an asylum or developed permanent laryngitis rendering me unable to convey this information any other way. If you are reading this because you like reading about yourself and are on the computer without permission, get off. I will find out. This is a small portion of what I’ve been trying to give you all these years (or in Max’s case months). Do the below and you will grow up to be even awesomer than you already are. <—–And you didn’t think that was possible.

Don’t be afraid of vegetables. These green-colored things are actually good for you. Not only are these filled with nutrients and antioxidants, veggies will help you poop, so eat your peas. By the way Simon, you’re not really a carnivore. You possess zero T Rex DNA. You live in a house of vegetarians. Your mother’s a vegan and that hot dog you just scarfed down was made from vegetables.

Don’t be boring.

Don’t be a pain in the a** to your parents, your spouse, your teacher, or your employer. Being an a** to other people (translation: grandparents) may be occasionally encouraged. Just don’t make it a full-time job.

Respect and care for the environment. You only get one. Reduce, reuse, recycle. I’ve even gone as far as dusting with my underwear, washing them, and then re-wearing them. Don’t worry. Dad has stopped me.

Live to your potential. Mali, I used to say that I didn’t care if you grew up to be a pole dancer, as long as you did it to the best of your ability. Now that you’re almost a teenager, I’ve stopped saying that.

Friends may come and go, but what you say on the Internet is forever.

Be aware of your surroundings. For example: when you get older, never point with your cane. Some lady almost took off my head that way. Look both ways before crossing any street, even a one way. The other day, I didn’t. A car backing into a parking spot bumped me on the way into work. No bruising occurred, but it did make me feel dispensable. After this happened, Dad bought me this jacket. I am now just putting it all together.

Be independent. That means taking a shower with soap…and a wash cloth…without being asked to do so. Brush your teeth. Clean up after yourself. Hold your own bottle. Change your own diaper.

Minimize all alcohol consumption before you have kids. Save the hepatocyte destruction for after starting a family when this behavior becomes a matter of survival.

Never forget grammar and use it all the time. Spelling and punctuation. U should STFU wit dis LOL crap.

Be able to entertain yourself without staring at a screen.

Be nice…but not too nice…just the right amount of nice. Never help any handsome man with a cast load his trunk with groceries.

Never feel pressured to do anything because it’s supposed to be the right time. Unless it’s finishing college. That better be done in four years!

If I ever catch you smoking, I’ll kill you.

Love,
Mother Dearest

P.S. No wire hangers!

After this exercise, the answer hit me.

P.S.S. Above all else, THINK.

This post is part of the Theme Thursday link-up. Click here for more details.